


he dreams he’s awake

by retweet_this



Series: carpe noctem [1]
Category: Pod Save America (RPF)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Magical Realism, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 04:30:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11706855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retweet_this/pseuds/retweet_this
Summary: They don’t really notice that. it’s just them. Everyone else is fine. It’s just. them.





	he dreams he’s awake

It starts out subtle.

Lovett yawns during an interview. Jon nods off while watching a movie with Emily. Nothing a little coffee can’t stop. They’re probably just a little stressed, a little worn. Crooked Media is growing, the news keeps escalating, it’s just

They don’t really notice that. it’s just them. Tommy is fine. Dan is fine. Emily is fine. Everyone else is fine. It’s just. them.

Jon starts sleeping earlier. He thinks it’s kind of healthy – early to bed, early to rise and all – but it starts. getting. strange. starts intruding on his life. He rarely goes out at night anymore, getting drowsy as soon as the sun goes down.

“Maybe I should just do the pod once a week,” he jokes. Emily laughs, short and awkward, and he kisses the side of her head and pulls her close.

Lovett starts coming into the studio later and later, bags under his eyes and Starbucks in hand. At first, it just seems like it’s just a regular “I-don’t-feel-like-working-this-month” Lovett mood because, well, when is it not?

“Really working the coastal elite angle there,” Tommy says, one day, when Lovett walks in at two in the afternoon with sunglasses and a venti iced coffee. He pretends to throw it at him and everyone shares a laugh.

It seems fine. The progression is. slow. but it’s still. progressing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tommy wakes up in the middle of the night to a flurry of texts in the group chat from Lovett about some alt-right YouTube channel he just discovered. He sends a reply, waits for Jon to come and join him in telling Lovett to shut up and sleep. Jon doesn’t send anything and Tommy ends up falling asleep with his phone on his face.

Emily wakes up to a huge breakfast – or, brunch, considering how she’d slept in – and she finds Jon in the kitchen with Leo. One of them is cleaning, the other is just standing there excitedly, and then they’re both running over to greet her. They text Lovett to come over (there’s no way both of them will be able to finish all this food) but there’s no reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s almost five. Lovett still hasn’t shown up in studio. Jon is ready to call the police.

“That’s a little overkill,” Tommy says, carefully. “I mean, maybe he was just out, I don’t know, partying late last night?”

“It’s the Monday pod,” Jon counters. “He knows that. It’s the highlight of his week – after, you know, Lovett or Leave It. There’s _no_ way he’d miss this.”

Tommy shrugs. “Maybe there is?” He tries calling him again, as Jon sends out a text to Emily. Maybe she could drop by his house, see if maybe he lost his phone or the power went out or something or he just decided to play a complex prank to see what would happen (even though he wouldn’t, even though he knows he is loved and wanted and)

Emily finally replies. _Lovett’s in a coma, we’re heading to the hospital._

Jon drops his phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are tests. There are closed mouths and hands covering open mouths and blinking eyes and napkins that dab on the corners of these eyes and worried looks and thoughts that start out hopeful but spiral wildly out of control. There are more tests.

But there’s. nothing wrong.

They spend the entire day there – Tommy, Emily, and Jon. Tania and the others drift in and out. Dan and Deray and Ana Marie don’t know, though. Lovett’s parents don’t even know yet. (and jon’s not sure if he should tell them because if they tell them, then it becomes real and if it becomes real, then there’s a chance that lovett might never wake up and if lovett never wakes up then – and now he’s spiraling)

Lovett’s on the bed, on his back, eyes closed and his hands on his side. He’d look like he was sleeping if he weren’t still. Instead he just looks sort of. dead.

It’s a scary thought. Emily squeeze his hand. Jon rests his head on her shoulder. He closes his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lovett opens his eyes. His first thought is, _that’s not my ceiling._

His second thought is, _wow, I can’t believe I can recognize my ceiling on command. Go me._

And his third thought is, _so, wait, where the hell am I?_

He doesn’t have a good reaction when he finds out where. and why.

“What do you mean, I’ve been asleep all day?” he huffs. His voice comes out all wrong, it’s pitchy and a little pathetic and all wrong. “I - I lie down in bed every night and I don’t even use my phone - okay, fine, sometimes I do - but sometimes I don’t, and I try all those stupid tips about how to fall asleep but none of them ever work. It’s just me, lying in bed with Pundit until the sun rises and I blink and the next thing I know, it’s the night again and –”

“Lovett, just – calm down, it’s going to be all right,” Tommy says, waving his hands around awkwardly and it does absolutely nothing to soothe Lovett or his fears. He keeps talking and Emily keeps talking and the doctor tries to interject and there are just. so many people talking. And Jon is just sleeping in the corner – how can he _still_ be sleeping, how is that even possible?

He says this last part aloud, voice cracking a little at the end and it would be embarrassing except. except, when Emily goes over to him, when she shakes him and tries to wake him, he does not stir. He just. sits there, quietly, head leaned forward and his lips parted slightly and he’s. asleep.

Emily covers her mouth and Lovett lets out a silent scream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s an explanation. It’s science-y, filled with big words and complex jargon that really just all means that there’s no reason this should be happening and yet, it is, and they don’t know how to fix it.

Only one part that matters. The worst part.

The part where they explain that Jon stays awake during the day and Lovett stays awake during the night and somehow, one cannot be awake while the other is. Jon can’t be awake when Lovett is. Lovett can’t be awake when Jon is.

Emily squeezes Jon’s hand when they hear the news and she thinks she can feel the broken pieces of his heart in his veins.

Tommy claps Lovett on the shoulder and says, “I guess this puts a damper on the Monday pod, huh?” and he doesn’t know what else to do.

So yeah. That’s where they’re at.

It’s great.

Fucking _fantastic_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “I don’t want anyone else to know,” Lovett announces. It’s their first night after they’ve finally left the hospital. He’s sitting at the kitchen counter, still dressed in his pajamas, munching on a bowl of cereal.

(Jon is lying on the couch with his head in Emily’s lap. Lovett pointedly avoids looking over.)

“I mean,” he continues, “we’ll obviously tell everyone in the company and our parents and whatnot. But no one else. I don’t… want to talk to people about this.” He doesn’t even want to talk to _them_ about this. And the only person who would understand lies asleep in his wife’s arms and when he wakes, Lovett will be fast asleep.

He swallows hard and stares at his bowl.

Tommy clears his throat. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll… I’ll talk to everyone, give them the details. You can just… eat.” He taps his shoulder and tries for a comforting smile.

Lovett should give him some credit for trying, he should, but honestly, he just. feels. kinda. dead?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Jon listens to the Monday pod – the first one without him – he doesn’t make it past the intro. It’s just been a week. It’s too soon to adjust to having to hear Lovett’s voice only through recordings, not in person.

He gets a text from Alyssa while he’s heading inside the office, and it makes him pause in his step. _Is something up with you guys?_

 _Why would you think that?_ he asks. He goes inside, smiles at Tania, looks over at Tommy’s empty desk and finally finishes the pod. It’s when his phone buzzes with another text that he realizes it.

Lovett and Tommy, they don’t mention the fact that he’s not there.

They don’t mention it at all.

The thing is, it doesn’t surprise him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Nighttime is _my_ time,” Lovett huffs. He’s lying down on the couch, laptop in hand, trying to catch up on all the Twitter nonsense he’d missed throughout the day. It feels like a lot. He tries to take it all in.

“Yup,” Tommy says, cradling his empty mug. His blinks slowly grow longer and longer and he’s been staring at the same spot in the wall for about half an hour.

“Nighttime is – it’s great.” Fuck, he sounds a little desperate. He shakes his head. “I could go out clubbing all night. I could see the sun rise. I can have a pancake dinner whenever I want.”

Tommy finally turns his head, raising a brow. “Have you ever even _been_ in a club, Lovett?” He laughs when Lovett throws a pillow at him, which turns out to be a mistake because he falls asleep almost fifteen minutes later, splayed out and snoring.

Everyone’s asleep.

Nighttime is his time. Only his.

That’s not a good thing, though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jon wakes up one morning and finds a snap from Lovett. It’s just. a video of the sunrise. as seen from his window. And over it, he says, “Bet you wish you were awake to see this, huh?”

His first reaction is, _wow, seriously?_

Lovett wakes up one night and finds a snap from Jon. It’s just a picture of Emily and Leo, sitting in front of the TV, the sunset coming through the blinds, with the text, “Wish you were here.”

His first reaction is, _I can’t believe he tried to one-up me._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s one day, while Tommy is away and Jon is already asleep, that Emily drives over to Lovett’s. She rings the bell, knocks on the door, texts him, and when he doesn’t respond, uses her backup key to open up the door.

She finds him in his bedroom, curled up in the covers with a sleeping Pundit. His hair is messy and his eyes are red and he doesn’t look like he’s slept except she knows for a _fact_ that he has. She hesitates a moment, then sits on the edge of the bed.

“Hi,” she whispers softly. He doesn’t respond, so she continues, “I didn’t see you around last night.” Her hand makes its way into his curls and she cards her fingers through. “We missed you.”

“Did you,” he deadpans, speaking mostly into the pillow, but his tenor is soft and he sounds so sad. “You don’t know if – if _he_ did.”

“I know he does,” Emily says. She shifts a little closer and he doesn’t move away. “He misses you a lot.” He goes back to his stoic silence again but she sees him close his eyes, pulling Pundit closer to his chest. Somehow it makes him seem smaller.

And then. “Everyone’s asleep,” he says, quietly. “Not just him. You, Tommy, Tania, everyone. And – I see you try to stay awake and keep me company, but…” he takes a shuddering breath, “but there are hours and hours where I’m just so…”

He doesn’t say anything else for a while. Neither does she.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s another day, at the Crooked Media headquarters, where he finds Jon staring at his computer. Except, he’s not really staring _at_ his computer – it’s more, he’s staring in the direction of his computer. His eyes are a little glossed over and his mouth his slack and Tommy waits for him to move.

He doesn’t.

Tommy clears his throat. “Jon?” He doesn’t respond, so he tries again. And again. And again.

It takes a practical slap to the side of the head for Jon to jerk, blinking quickly and looking up. “Oh, hey,” he smiles. It’s a classic Jon smile, a little goofy and pure at heart, but there’s definitely something _weird_ about it.

“Are you okay?” Tommy asks.

Jon raises a brow. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks, and it does sound a little defensive, but Tommy isn’t sure how to push it.

He clears his throat a little awkwardly. “Well,” he says, “you were staring out at nothing for a while and it didn’t _look_ like you were fine.”

“Well, I’m. Fine.” He rolls his shoulders and looks around, brows furrowed. “Hey, did Tania come in while I wasn’t looking?”

“No, she’s on LST.”

Jon blinks. “Did you say _LSD_?”

Tommy snorts. “Get your hearing checked, Jon,” he chuckles. “No, no, it’s LST – Lovett Standard Time. She and a couple others are taking shifts, spending time with him throughout the night.”

“Oh,” Jon says. He nods, slowly. “Yeah, that’s – that’s smart…” He’s starting to stare off into the distance again and Tommy waves his hand in front of his face until he blinks back into the present. “What?”

“You should talk to him,” he says.

Jon makes a face. “You know that’s kind of hard, considering the whole deal with, you know…” he makes a vague hand gesture.

“Uh-huh,” Tommy says. “You know, there’s this magical device that came out where you can communicate with someone without having to be with them in person and –”

“Okay, I’m sure you have a whole Lovett-esque rant planned out for this, but I’m going to cut you right off and just… promise to try, okay?”

He shakes his head. “Do more than promise. Because from what I’ve seen of him, this whole thing is tearing him apart.” And he walks away before he can see how Jon responds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(9:35 am) Hey

(10:01 pm) Hey  
(10:06 pm) I guess you finally figured out how to text, huh?

(9:05 am) Ha ha  
Tommy made the exact same type of joke.

(10:01 pm) Where do you think he got it from?  
(11:56 pm) Me. He got it from me.  
(11:57 pm) Oh, right. I forgot you couldn’t reply until tomorrow.  
(11:57 pm) I thought you were ignoring me.  
(12:38 am) Hope you’re having a good sleep.

(9:04 am) It’s kind of hard to ignore you, Lovett.  
(9:04 am) And I did have a good sleep, thanks.  
(10:02 am) I hope you have one too.  
(12:11 pm) _image.jpg  
_ (12:12 pm) Leo says hi.

(10:01 pm) You could’ve just sent that to me as a snap, I don’t know why you didn’t.  
(10:33 pm) _image.jpg_  
(10:33 pm) Also Pundit says hi.  
(11:24 pm) You know, she’s a genius dog.  
(11:25 pm) She changed her sleep schedule to match mine. If that’s not the sign of a genius dog, I don’t know what is.

(9:01 am) Like dad, like daughter.  
(9:03 am) Leo might not be a genius but he is adorable and he’s always there when I need him.  
Except when I need to give him a bath.  
(9:03 am) Like right now

(10:01 pm) Dogs are better than people. People might abandon you, but dogs? They’re always with you.  
(11:13 pm) Okay forget what I just said. Pundit abandoned me for a racoon.  
(11:14 pm) A racoon, Jon.  
(11:15 pm) A fucking racoon.  
(1:05 am) Oh, look at that, she’s back and she’s all apologetic and everything. I’m not forgiving her, though.  
(1:10 am) Okay, I forgave her.  
(1:10 am) I have a bleeding heart.

(10:10 am) That was a wild ride.  
(10:11 am) I hope you gave her a bath afterward.  
(1:33 pm) _image.jpeg_  
(1:34 pm) Tania’s birthday cake, before we start digging into it. Tommy should be bringing you a slice tonight. I know you have a bit of a sweet tooth.  
(1:34 pm) Well, ‘a bit’ might be an understatement.

(10:01 pm) Ha ha.  
(10:02 pm) That’s sarcastic, by the way.  
(5:56 am) I miss you so much ( _message unsent)_

(9:05 am) I could tell.  
(2:20 pm) I miss hearing your voice ( _message unsent_ )  
(5:32 pm) You did good on the pod today.

(4:16 am) Thanks.

(6:30 pm) You’re welcome.

(5:57 am) Please don’t stop talking to me ( _message unsent_ )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s after a Lovett or Leave It show. It was a good show, good guests, good questions, good news to cover. He had a lot of fun – Alyssa came (and by extension, David, which, nice), Jim Acosta came (and by extension, Jake Tapper, which, _nice_ ), _Crissy freaking Teigen_ came (and by extension, _John freaking Legend,_ which, _nice!_ ) – and everything went well.

Except.

Tommy is out on vacation with Hannah. And Emily is out of town. And he’s letting Tania stay on regular time since it’s a pod day. So. It’s just him.

He’s backstage, watching everyone else. Crissy is taking Luna from John’s arms and kissing her cheek, hugging her close. Jim is relating some story and Jake is nodding along, unable to hold back his smile. Alyssa is resting against David’s shoulder and he massages her forehead, mumbling something about time zones.

And Lovett realizes. he feels so. alone. He misses. being taken care of. being heard. being. loved. Oh god, does he miss being loved.

He takes a Lyft to Jon’s house. It’s dark, quiet, just the hum of the air conditioner. He finds him in the bedroom, turned to his side, mouth a little open and just. sleeping.

And Lovett knows it might be weird but dammit, he doesn’t care. He kicks off his shoes and climbs into the covers and just. looks at him. Just looks at him. Watches him breathe in and out, through his nose, sometimes his mouth, always looking so calm. He looks so calm.

Light eventually creeps in through the blinds and Lovett can start to feel his eyelids droop, his blinks grow slower and last longer, yawns building their way up his throat. But he. doesn’t. want to. go. he doesn’t want to go. he doesn’t want to. go.

He doesn’t want to wake up in the night while everyone is ending their day. He doesn’t want to have to see the sun only as it rises. He doesn’t want to wait over twenty-four hours to get a response from his friends. He doesn’t want to start forgetting the little things about Jon – how he smiles, how he laughs, all in real time. the way he laughs at his joke, the way he smiles while he’s looking at him, the way he.

the way he loves him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jon wakes up with hands in his and lips against his, pressing closed-mouth and off-center kisses. There’s a little wetness and he quickly realizes – they’re tears. He’s crying. Lovett’s crying.

“Jon,” he whispers, quietly, his exhaustion clear in his voice. And Jon knows that this is that brief moment where one starts to come and the other starts to go and _god_ , his heart aches in his chest because it’s slowly dawning on him that this is Lovett. For the first time in a long time, he’s here with Lovett.

He swallows hard and forces his mouth open. “Lovett,” he says, and that’s all he manages to get out before he’s being kissed again, slowly, hesitantly. No, not hesitant, just. tired. Jon untangles his other arm and wraps it around him, pulling him closer, holding the back of his head and trying to kiss back.

And the more he wakes, the more he feels Lovett grow prone, until he’s kissing a sleeping man. At this point, if Lovett were awake, he would say something about how Disney stories are lies but they’re nice because sometimes it’s nice to pretend but.

Jon doesn’t want to pretend anymore. He just wants his happy ending. He opens his eyes and looks at Lovett’s sleeping face and he doesn’t know how long he just stays there, in bed, with him, holding him close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he feels someone talking around him. there’s a hand on his head, warm and familiar. the voices start coming into focus. he recognizes them. his heart grows ten sizes and he feels a smile coming on.

he opens his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by an old fic i read that i, unfortunately, can no longer find


End file.
